Tom Wilson's online emporium of fun

An Idiot's Guide to Fahrenheit 9/11
Tom Wilson 16.07.04

I often like to pretend I grew up as some kind of working class hero. This often worked while studying at Oxford – most Oxford students wouldn't recognise the working classes even if they stole their mobile at knifepoint on the Cowley Road . Pretending to be from a coal-mining family from the wilds of Northern England might have been a good way to get talking to obscenely well-bred girls from public school, though it was always a pretty obvious lie. My old man has never been down a coal-pit in his life. He's actually a teacher. Not of a manly, rugged subject like Particle Physics, but of the woolly and decidedly middle-class discipline of English Literature.

One day, after returning from the dark pits of the library, dirty with book dust after a hard days labouring over Keats, I happened to ask him how he could manage to criticise the writing of bestselling no-brain author Geoffrey Archer, despite the fact that he'd never read any of his stuff. Wiping away the sweat from his almost-working-class brow he imparted to me a gem of almost-working-class wisdom: ‘Son,' he said, ‘I don't need t'go to the sun to know it's hot.'

In the same way, I don't need to see Michael Moore's new film to pass judgement on it. Call it journalistic licence. However, for that matter, neither do you. Instead of wasting valuable man-hours actually watching the film, let me save you the bother. I've condensed all the issues you need to know into my ‘Idiots Guide to Fahrenheit 9/11'.

First the facts. Don't try to engage in a debate without them, or you could look silly. Michael Moore is a beardy comedian, and thorn in the side of the American establishment. His new documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11, looks at (unsurprisingly) 9/11, the Bush administration and the reasons behind the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq . It took the Palme D'Or at the Cannes film festival and broke box office records in the UK . After Disney refused to distribute the film in the US for being ‘too political', Moore was able to tag it as ‘the film they didn't want you to see', no doubt helping it reach the number one box office spot in the States. Unless you've been living under a rock large enough to kill you, this should all be fairly obvious stuff.

Next, forming your verdict on the film is equally easy. Remember, this is a film that ‘polarises opinion'. Not only have I made my own mind up about the film, but I've also made up yours for you. Don't credit yourself with undue originality – your opinions would be sure to match one of the four alternatives below. Simply cut out the most appropriate quotation and keep it somewhere safe. I suggest you actually stick your chosen quote on your forehead, thus saving people the valuable time and effort of actually asking you. Please note: I make no charge for the use of these pre-formed opinions in conversations or debates, and there is no need to acknowledge me as their author. However, interspersing your conversation with references to myself in flattering terms would be much appreciated:

1) The Anti: “ Moore 's documentary is an act of cowardice. The terrorists behind 9/11 are set upon destroying everything America stands for – democracy; freedom; the highest level of child poverty in the developed world; that sort of thing… By weakening morale at this time of war, Moore has handed the advantage to Bin Laden and his followers.” Remember: Try shouting loudly - it will help your cause no end. Don't be ashamed of wearing your Confederate Flag T-shirt.

2) The Pro: “You say Fahrenheit 9/11 is a political movie?! [Laugh knowingly] Nonsense. The only reason it appears to be political is because the mainstream media is so biased towards the American neo-cons in power. Networks like Fox and NBC frequently boast about their loyalty to Bush's government. Moore 's real triumph is in having succeeded where other journalists have failed – by turning the biggest political scandal of the past century into a blockbuster product. This is a film that could help bring down the Bush administration.” Remember: Refer to the film's depiction of the close business relationship between the Bin Laden and Bush families. However, try not to mention your suspicion that 9/11 was planned in advance by Bush's inner circle – it'll only damage your credibility.

3) The Heckler: “F9/11 is a disappointment for natural anti-Bush thinkers like myself. Moore 's arguments are confused: for example, he firstly claims that troops shouldn't have been sent to Iraq and Afghanistan , while later maintaining that not enough were sent. His techniques manipulative; consider his use of footage featuring the grieving mother of a soldier lost in Iraq . Moore 's determination to score points against the Bush administration has led him to produce a film lacking the necessary critical rigour. I find his continual attempts at humour tiresome.” Remember: Try not to disguise your obvious jealousy over the fact that a scruffy working class lad from Michigan is receiving undue attention in a discipline you consider to be your specialism.

4) The Verdict: “Do you have a basic understanding of what America has done over the past twenty years on the world stage? Do you have a rudimentary understanding of the way the Bush administration came to power and the nature of its supporters? Have you ever heard of Noam Chomsky? Well done! This means the film isn't for you. Go and do something more worthwhile instead. It's been produced for square-eyed Americans raised on a diet of CNN and 24-hour warcasts; people who struggle to understand the difference between draw-droppingly violent TV fiction and reality unless it's spelled out for them with the aid of bouncing coloured balls. Michael Moore has done a commendable thing in spoon-feeding them the information they need to have a better idea of how to vote at the crucial upcoming elections. This is precisely why I haven't seen the film myself.” Remember: You are right.