Monkey Baths
Visiting Japan is the travel equivalent of LSD. It’s completely bonkers. This, after all, is a country where paedophilia is basically considered absolutely normal (true!), where the sex industry is bigger then the country’s defence budget (true!) and where mothers routinely masturbate their sons during stressful exam periods, in the hope of helping them to get better results (true!). Oh, and did I mention the fact that they also bathe with monkeys?
The public baths, or ‘Onsen’, are one of the real attractions of visiting Japan. No visit is complete without getting your pale, Caucasian ass out in front of a lot of Japanese people. No matter where you are, in the middle of Tokyo or the darkest hillbilly countryside, you’re sure to find a nearby Onsen. These public baths are sometimes indoor, sometimes outdoor, sometimes mixed, but more commonly single sex, and always leave you tingling all over as though you’ve been sat on by a fat woman for half an hour.
There are all kinds of novelties in the Onsen. As well as the usual extremely hot / extremely cold pools and steam baths, there are also a number of crazy variations, such as an ‘electric eel’ bath. This is a pool where thousands of tiny electrical impulse are discharged through the water, making your body feel like its being attacked by The Duracell Gang, and supposedly re-creating the feeling of swimming with electric eels. However, if eels aren’t your thing, then you can always bathe with monkeys. Yes, Monkeys!
If you head to Yamanouchi Town in northern Nagano Prefecture, you’re promised to be able to share a hot spring dip with Japan's native snow monkeys. The Onsen waters here are naturally hot, coming from the volcanic springs in the region of “Hell Valley”. My only problem with the idea is the name: “Hell Valley”. It sounds a little off-putting. Imagine the scene in a travel agency: “Do you fancy a trip to “Hell Valley?” “No, it sounds horrible.” Now picture the scene after a successful re-branding by a multinational advertising firm: “Do you fancy a trip to Mega Monkey Fun-Land Valley?” “Yes, it sounds fascinating. Do I get to bathe with monkeys?” “Hell, yeah!” See the power of a good re-branding?
The Macaques monkey’s, apparently, bathe alongside visitors, and especially like a good dip during the winter months. You’re not supposed to feed them, for fear of encouraging them to attack people, but I suggest a re-think of this policy. Given that people bathe naked at the Jigokudani Onsen, and given that it’s a mixed-sex baths, in Mega Monkey Fun Land Valley the visitors will be encouraged to feed the monkey’s with sexually suggestive fruits, such as sausages and melons, to add a hilarious and unpredictable element of danger to bathing. We can sell T-Shirts with slogans like “I WAS MOLESTED BY MONKEYS AT MEGA MONKEY FUN-LAND VALLEY”.
To end with, I shall leave you with an important note on Japanese bathing etiquette. Putting your head under the water might seem a pleasant and natural thing to do when you’re sitting in a steaming Onsen, but be warned: the hair is generally seen as unclean in Japanese culture, and it’s best to keep your head above the water. Plus, you never know when a cheeky little monkey is going to sneak up and hold it under there, giggling manically and slapping his thighs with uncontrollable monkey delight.