This month I’ve been keeping a low profile – not going out of the house much, keeping out of public places. In a previous issue I made a rather embarrassing error. I’m not going to mention it (it makes me feel all funny having to think about it), but safe to say, it was pretty embarrassing. Thanks to all those readers who pointed out that there are, in fact, sixty seconds in a minute, not one hundred (Damn! I said I wasn’t going to tell you…). I thought about numerous cunning plans for how to cover up my mistake. For a while I contemplated buying up every existing copy of Elle and burning them (Gogol used to do the same thing, apparently). Then I considered blaming a typing error. I even thought about pretending that we have 100-second minutes in England.          

Then it struck me. Why not turn a mistake to my own advantage? Why not pretend it was a deliberate error to keep readers on their toes? Genius! And so, this month, I’ve decided to include a deliberate mistake in the following reviews. The first person to mail me the mistake will get their names printed in the next issue, plus a big prize. (Note: ‘Big’ in this context shouldn’t be taken to mean impressive, sizable or valuable)

ALBUM OF THE MONTH: NICO – CAST AWAY

Question: who are the great lyricists of popular music? There is the inimitable Bob Dylan, whose work has been compared to Keats and Byron. Then we have Mark E. Smith from the fall, who an Oxford professor of English literature claimed to be ‘one of the greatest poets of the 20th century’. Morrissey, of course, is also up there with the best of them. However, with the release of her album, entitled ‘Cast Away’, the Romanian singer Nico has catapulted herself up there with the greats of song-writing.            

The title-track from the album looks set to be a huge hit – and with good reason. Rarely, if ever, has the craft of song-smithery scaled such lofty heights. Lyrically, this is a masterpiece. Though I hate to use the word ‘genius’, this is one of the rare occasions on which this often abused term can be used with confidence. The lyrical complexity of ‘Castaway’ places it alongside the other great works of twentieth century literature – there are shades of James Joyce, echoes of Saul Bellow. Based around a repeated motif of the shipwreck, a metaphor for both emotional and physical alienation, ‘Cast away’ becomes a mechanism for exploring nothing less than the human condition itself, deconstructing, with surgical precision, the post-modern myth of …. (EDITORS NOTE: The review that Tom Wilson submitted continues for a full seven pages in the same vein, loudly praising Nico’s album and, in particular, the textual complexity of the single ‘Cast Away’. Our suspicions were, understandably, raised. On closer inspection of the CD, it appears that Tom Wilson is, in fact, the author of the lyrics to ‘Cast Away’. Readers should be aware that Tom Wilson is currently being prosecuted by the Parcetul National de Anticorruptia for shameless self-promotion.)

10 DAYS OUT DVD/CD

The Romanian language gives rise to numerous misconceptions about music. ‘Pop music’ of course, isn’t the same thing as ‘musica populara’. ‘Muzica de dans’ isn’t really Dance Music. And ‘Lady in Red’ definitely can’t be placed in the musical genre known as ‘Blues’. If you happened to be a teenager at a party between the years 1980 and 1995, you probably spent your time hassling the DJ for ‘Blues’ so that you could sneak off into a dark corner with some goofy, spotty-faced youth who smelled of cico pop. Sadly, real Blues isn’t much good for snogging to – its music for sitting out on your verandah in a rocking chair and drinking yourself into a stupor on home-made moonshine.

ELLE COMPILATION           

With a few notable exceptions, compilation CDs are generally hugely disappointing, their titles being made up of seemingly random combinations of the following words: best / house / ever / anthems / 2007 / in the world / hits / party. Compilation CDs put out by magazines are usually even worse (just imagine:‘Caravan and Motorhome Enthusiast Monthly presents Dance Party 2007’). So, it was with a sense of trepidation that I agreed to review the latest CDs compiled by none other than Elle magazine. If I didn’t like them, was I going to have to lie? Could I be rude about them if they were rubbish?          

Thankfully, and to my surprise, this 3-CD set isn’t just good. It’s excellent. Each CD has a different theme (Sensuelle, Eternelle, Rebelle – Did you notice the inclusion of the word Elle? Did you? Did you?) and contains tracks by some of my own personal favourite female vocalists. As well as established greats (the wonderful Patti Smith, Edith Piaf, and the incredible Nico), you’ll find new talent (Cat Power! They included Cat Power!) plus a few artists who’ve never been appreciated as much as they should (Brigitte Fontaine, a woman with one of the most incredible voices I’ve ever heard). Not only this, but artists who I’d normally turn my nose up at make an appearance, singing tracks that make you see them in completely different light. Dolly Parton is probably one of my least favourite artists in the world, ever, but her track ‘In the Ghetto’ is a genuine delight. My only complaint is that whoever put the CD together decided to include one of the greatest disco tracks ever written (Diana Ross’ Love Hangover) but made the truly unforgivable mistake of using the three minute edit, rather than the full ten minute luxurious disco thumper, perhaps the most enjoyable ten minutes you can possibly spend without breaking the law. I’d love to have listened to these CDs even more, but the selection is so good that a friend saw them and stole them instantly. Seriously recommended.