The earth is warming at a faster rate than at any time in human history. The polar ice-caps are retreating, fast. Freak weather is becoming all the more common. Romania sees the worst floods ever, an obvious symptoms of global climate change. What’s a man to do? From what I’ve seen on the Bucharest streets, it seems that the answer is clear: there’s never been a better time to purchase an unnecessarily huge, fuel-guzzling, air-polluting armoured tank of a vehicle. SUVs? Soooo last year. If you really want to impress your nouveau-riche friends, there’s only one car to be seen in at the moment – the Hummer.
I love Hummers. I love people who drive them. Some people might think that you might have a very low sense of self-esteem to need to bolster it with 3.8 tonnes of military equipment, but I disagree. Just take a look at some of the advantages of driving a Hummer: The elevated driving position that the vehicle offers is particularly useful for not having to look at unsightly beggars and glue-sniffing street children at traffic lights. Their powerful 4x4 traction helps navigate the terrible Bucharest roads, which are littered with annoying obstacles (holes, Dacias , old people, etc). And most importantly, driving a Hummer is the ultimate middle-finger to the social plague that is the poor. Driving a Hummer is like rubbing dog-shit in the face of all those worthless, lazy, good-for-nothing individuals who have to survive on a salary of E150 a month. So you think the poor are scum? Driving a Hummer is like shouting this from the rooftops. It’s the perfect way of reminding people that your own driving pleasure is far more valuable than their own petty needs for education, healthcare and other such frivolities.
If you’re a Hummer owner, you probably find everyday actions like reading, writing and ignoring poor people difficult enough as it is. Your life is already full, what with all of that continuous preening of your own underdeveloped ego, without having to think about what music to listen to. So, in order to help you out, I’ve put together my own ‘Hummer Mixtape’, a selection of songs to listen to in your own oasis of calm, protected from the dirty, dangerous world outside:
It’s The End of The World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) –REM Remind yourself of the looming global disaster that’s just around the corner, and just how little you care about it, with this classic hit. Perfect to listen to as you drive past the half-submerged houses in some forsaken Romanian village, whilst belching out more carbon dioxide than these stupid peasants create in their entire lifetimes.
Driving In My Car - Madness A 1982 hit that pretty much sums it all up.
Rolling – Limp Bizkit Admittedly, if you’re a Hummer driver, you’re probably a Limp Bizkit fan already. Listening to a fat, rich, white singer from the most privileged country on earth singing about the unfairness of life is probably your idea of good music. This aggressive, testosterone fuelled Nu-Metal is the closest you’ll come to the aural equivalent of the Hummer itself. Plus, the song is about driving. Tare, frate!
F*ck the Poor - Selfish C*nt I kid you not – this is a genuine song by a fashionable East London three-piece. If you’re a Hummer driver, the name of the group and the title of the track are both uncannily apt.
Eye of the Tiger - Survivor – Pure musical kitsch for the kitschest car on the market. Imagine the scene: you’re in your car. The lights change. You press the throttle and feel 325hp beneath your feet. The first few bars of Eye of the Tiger kick in. It’s just like in the film Rocky! You are Rocky! You’re the king of the world! Say it: I love my Hummer! Shout it! Louder! I love my Hummer!